RANT: WHY I WON'T SIGN YOUR FOOLISH FORM

I once thought of writing a book called "Oh for goodness' sake!" It was going to be about all the ridiculous things that humans do. Like the guy who tried to sue his doctor because he'd gone to her about a lump and had caught a cold from her. He tried to sue her for £247.18. Gah!

And now the UK Govt is doing something that would have gone in that book: making authors (along with anyone else who might have contact with people under 18) pay for a document that is supposed to prove that they're not going to abuse them. Like a document can say this?

Now, I'd so love it if it was this simple to protect children. But the thing is, this protection is already in place. Two ways: a) authors on school visits are never left alone with a child. Why would we be? b) our public liability insurance says that we can't be, or it's invalidated.

But now, in the UK Govt's "wisdom" (yeah, yeah) we all have to pay for a doc to show we won't do bad things to kids. So, that's all right then: everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. They're safe! Course they're not safe. They are neither more nor less safe than if we hadn't had this stupid, pointless, expensive, ignorant rule. In fact, perhaps they are less safe, because if we didn't have it we could have something more sensible and practical, something that actually would help. Don't ask me to say what that night be - I'm a children's author: I write them stories and inspire them. That's all. In groups. With eagle-eyed teachers looking on. The more teachers the merrier.

Actually, on second thoughts, I DO have something that would help. Simply make it the rule that no visiting adult can ever be allowed to be alone with a child. We don't want to be. Last thing we want, actually. What we want is to be in front of LOADS of kids. Otherwise, what's the point of us being there?

Listen, silly govt official / policy maker, please go and spend your time protecting children. Don't waste your time ticking boxes and making me pay for it. I am seriously concerned for the well-being of our young people if you really think this is how to protect them.

Meanwhile, anyone who asks me for this document can have instead a document which I will write myself. It will say that I am a decent adult, fantastically committed to the well-being of young people and if that is not enough you can sing for your event. I simply will not kowtow to the government's ridiculous and pointless form-filling requirements. I have better things to do and so should they.

People have talked about why authors should be exceptions. We shouldn't be. NO visitor to a school, invited by the school, should have to have this empty bureaucratic check. Every visitor should be escorted at all times, out of courtesy and common sense. Frankly, when I'm not escorted, I get lost, which is a serious worry to me. I don't care if you're an author or a visiting astronaut: you need protection from getting lost or from accidentally finding yourselves in the school canteen. Now there's a scary thought!

It's so simple, people. Just stay with us, please, as you always do. Last thing we want is to be accused of anything. Hmm, come to think of it, I think I'm going to ask all schools from now on to sign a document saying that I won't be falsely accused of anything while I'm getting lost on the way to the toilet.