Highs and Lows in the Highlands

Oh, if only I could tell you everything that happened on the latest round of book touring! The thing is that some of the most annoying or ridiculous things that happen tend to be perpetrated by either lovely people who buy my books or lovely librarians who organise the events, and would I be rude about either of them? Of course not. They are lovely in every way.

And this is before I've been to Wigtown, which is next weekend, and which is designated the "Book Festival Most Difficult To Get To". So, be prepared from some tall tales from Tipperary next week.

Meanwhile, on the subject of my recent events, I will pose some questions. Please keep your answers to yourself.

1. If you were asked to collect someone from Inverness arriving on the "11.47 from Aberdeen", would you go to the airport or the train station?
2. If you were a teacher and your school arrived 15 minutes after an event had started, despite the fact that you were walking distance away, would you apologise to the speaker?
3. If you were a teacher taking your pupils to a book event (at no cost to school or pupils), would you allow them to buy books or whisk them away as soon as possible before they could chat to the author, buy a book or get a card signed?
4. How many different colours of wallpaper is it possible for one B&B to fit into one room?
   
5. If you were supplying two tea-bags for your B&B guest, how many sachets of sugar would you also provide? a) 2-4 or b) 16

But I will say that, apart from the rubbish that tact and fear of litigation prevent me from mentioning, there were some spectacularly excellent things too.

1. Boat of Garten Book Festival - the best small festival there is.
2. Having a very relaxing lasagne supper with Jim Naughtie and his wife Ellie, between mine and Ellie's events and Jim's event with Chris Bonington (at Boat of G). I know Ellie well already because we both write for a similar age group and it's always fun to meet up.
   
3. The scenery and weather of Aberdeenshire, Banffshire and Invernesshire.
4. Seeing a herd of bison. And that was not after a glass of wine.
5. A great Society of Authors event in Crathes Castle, where 13 authors met and talked to (and in some cases almost came to blows with) an excellent feisty audience of readers collected together by the superb Yeadon's Bookshop in Banchory.
   
6. Everything to do with Yeadon's Bookshop and the first-rate and exceptional manager, Vicky Dawson, who ferried me all around NE Scotland in her car, so much so that when she needed to take me to the station the following morning, the car was dead. I don't blame it. But the ensuing taxi was somewhat pricey. And I left my coat in her car, thinking I'd be in it the next day. Yes, I was that person shivering on Inverness station a few hours later, while my lift went to the airport instead ...
7. Sitting in a hotel bar in Perthshire having hysterics while we wondered why a menu described as a "Taste of Tartan" featured tinned grapefruit salad in syrup.

And now I had really better stop before I forget about that very useful fear of litigation thing.